My mother came by to show off her brand-new Pontiac Grand Am.
My eight-year-old daughter took one look at the car and indignantly proclaimed, "They spelled grandma wrong!"

Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it has to have at least four characters."

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.
The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.
"Was it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."

Why did the baseball player get arrested?
For stealing the bases!

Why were the baseball players so hot & sweaty?
Because their fans went away!

Why is Cinderella a poor basketball player?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!

Why did the campers bring a baseball player with them?
To pitch the tent!

Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback!

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!

What kind of football player wears the biggest helmet?
The one with the biggest head!

Why did the golfer take a spare pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!

Why didn't the nose make the volleyball team?
He didn't get picked!

What is the biggest diamond in the world?
A baseball diamond!

What is the difference between a heavyweight boxer & a man with a cold?
One knows his blows and the other blows his nose!

Did you hear about the marathon runner who worked as a chimney sweep?
He was a great runner but suffered from Athlete's Soot!

Why are baseball stadium seats so cold?
Because FANS sit in them!

Does it take longer to run from first base to second or second base to third?
Second base to third because there is a shortstop!

What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team!

What should you do when 19 guys are running at you?
Throw the football!

What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it!

Which baseball team also takes care of sick animals?
The New York Vets!

Why are basketball players such messy eaters?
Because they dribble!

What do a dog & a baseball player have in common?
They both catch flies, chase strays, & run for home when they see the catcher!

A scuba diver was 20 feet down under the water and saw a man without scuba gear.

The man without the gear went down 20 more feet and the man with the gear followed.

They kept doing that until they were at the bottom. Now the man with the gear is confused, so he takes a waterproof chalk and board out of his bag and writes "How the heck can you stay down here without any gear?"

The man without the gear takes the eraser and then writes "I am drowning you moron!!!"

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world."